


If/Else

by Laylah



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Commitment Rituals, Community: bloodyvalentine, Established Relationship, Flushed Romance, M/M, Scarification, Terrible Ways to Come Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-29
Updated: 2012-02-29
Packaged: 2017-10-31 21:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laylah/pseuds/Laylah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat's a big stupid romantic, and romance is a language: sloppier than anything Sollux has ever programmed, but it still has its own grammar and its own important commands. This scar-trading ritual thing means, <i>believe that I'm sticking around</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If/Else

Sollux definitely isn't expecting drama when he brings it up, which, looking back, he can admit was stupid. But at the time he's just trying to do something nice—he sure as hell isn't the kind of romantic who gives a damn about observing tradition. But Karkat _is_ , so Sollux figured maybe he'd be the kind of troll who'd want to do all the ritual crap leading up to their first fertile cycle. They're both lowblooded—even if Karkat's still cagey about it, his blush definitely shades red—so their lifespans are a decent match; it's not like one of them would be carrying around a dead matesprit's marks for hundreds of sweeps or anything. But when Sollux asks, one evening when they've curled up in a pile after messing around—

"Tho," he says, running his fingers through Karkat's hair, content enough right now that he doesn't need to shove Karkat's head off his abdomen despite how heavy it is. "We going to do the whole thcar trade thing before pail time?"

And Karkat freezes. " _What_?" he demands, as if Sollux has just suggested that they eat wigglers.

Sollux lifts his head to squint at Karkat in confusion, because that's really not the kind of reaction he expected, especially after they've spent the last half hour petting each other's pleasure glands. "KK?" he says.

"Kind of in a huge fucking hurry to make this permanent, aren't you?" Karkat says.

"Thorry, didn't know that wath a _make KK a blithtering douche_ thuggethtion," Sollux says. He pushes Karkat off and sits up. "Forget I athked."

Karkat hunches into a little ball in that way that always makes Sollux twinge with pity and want to hold him. "Shit. I'm an asshole, Sollux, that's all." He tugs on his hair, pulling it down over his forehead. "You just caught me by surprise."

Sollux shrugs. "Doethn't matter to me," he says, which at least _was_ true until Karkat rejected the idea so violently. "You don't want to, we don't do it. No big." Next time he hits a down cycle, he's pretty sure this will come back to haunt him, but he's not about to go all emotional blackmail and bring that up now. That's not the kind of bullshit you pull with your matesprit if you can help it.

"Right," Karkat says. "Okay."

* * *

CG: LOOK, I REALLY WASN'T TRYING TO BE A DOUCHE LAST NIGHT.  
CG: YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT? IT WAS JUST ME DOING THAT THING I DO WHERE I OPEN MY MOUTH AND FUCK EVERYTHING UP IMMEDIATELY. THE THING WHERE I'M A CATASTROPHIC FAILURE AT RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNICATION AND EVERYTHING ELSE.  
TA: ii already piity you liike crazy, kk, you don't have two lay iit on 2o thiick.  
CG: SHUT UP, NOOKMUNCH. <3  
TA: <3  
CG: ANYWAY WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS  
CG: FUCK THIS ISN'T EASY  
TA: iif you're about two offer two do iit anyway when you don't want two  
CG: I THINK I JUST TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP  
CG: YOU'RE NOT HELPING  
TA: ok, ok, ii'm 2huttiing up  
TA: far be iit from me two get iin the way of your 2elf-flagellatiion.  
CG: AUGH  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO CONFESS MY FEELINGS HERE OR NOT  
TA: ii'm lii2teniing  
CG: BLOODLETTING IS JUST KIND OF A BIG STEP, YOU KNOW? IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T PITY YOU AND IT'S NOT LIKE I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE ME OR ANYTHING, I JUST....  
TA: you're ju2t freakiing out.  
TA: ii'm u2ed two iit.  
TA: and ii meant iit about not giiviing a 2hiit. iif you don't want two, ii don't care enough two pu2h iit.  
CG: THAT'S IT THOUGH. I  
CG: FUCK  
CG: I DO  
CG: I DO WANT TO.  
TA: oh  
TA: well  
TA: ii gue22  
CG: YOU HAVE TO PROMISE YOU WON'T FREAK OUT ON ME THOUGH.  
TA: why would ii freak out? you're the one who 2eems to have ii22ue2 about thii2.  
CG: PROMISE ME.  
CG: THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE EVER ASKED OF YOU.  
TA: kk, what'2 up here? ii want two know what'2 goiing on.  
CG: YOU'LL SEE. OKAY? YOU'LL SEE WHAT'S GOING ON. BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO PROMISE.  
TA: ok, clearly thii2 ii2 iimportant two you.  
TA: ii promii2e ii won't freak out  
TA: unle22 you go 2pade2 on me iin the miiddle of cuttiing or 2omethiing.  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: OKAY THAT'S FAIR.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: WHEN ARE WE DOING THIS. IF WE PUT IT OFF I'LL PANIC.  
TA: thii2 ii2n't paniic?  
CG: AUGH SHUT UP YOU GRUBLICKING FAILURE.  
TA: chiill, kk. iit'2 goiing two be okay.  
TA: you're ju2t lucky ii'm not freakiing out about you freakiing out.  
CG: WE ARE GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT BEING MASSIVE FUCKUPS IN SEQUENCE INSTEAD OF SIMULTANEOUSLY.  
TA: ii gue22 that'2 how we know thii2 ii2 the real thiing <3  
CG: YEAH  
CG: <3  
TA: anyway you can come over later twoniight iif you want.  
CG: I DO. I WILL. OKAY.  
TA: 2ee you then, a22hole. <3  
CG: CAN'T WAIT, GRUBFUCK. <3

* * *

It takes a while to make the trip from Karkat's hive to Sollux's hivestem complex. Two hours at a bare minimum: time enough for Sollux to really wonder what was going on there with that panic episode, and whether Karkat will ever actually explain. It seems like more than just virgin jitters—but then, Karkat's always been a little kinky, twitchy around rough play and seriously into a delicate touch. Maybe he thinks he'll have a bad time of it, and he's working himself up over doing it wrong.

Panic seems to be a hell of a motivating force, though—the knock at Sollux's hiveportal comes just two hours and fifteen minutes after Karkat signed off Trollian. Sollux unlocks the portal with his psionics to let Karkat in.

"You didn't even check to make sure it was me," Karkat says.

"Hello to you too, KK," Sollux says.

Karkat glares at him. "What if it hadn't been? What if it was someone trying to get in here to take over your hive?"

"Then I would dethtroy them," Sollux says patiently. It's the only reasonable course of action, isn't it? "I know you're nervouth, KK, but it'th really okay."

"Shut up, I'm not nervous!" Karkat snaps. He takes a deep breath and huffs it out with a grimace. "Okay, I am. But stop being a know-it-all asshole."

Sollux grins. "Now you're athking the impothible." He can see Karkat struggling not to smile back, and reaches out with his power to drag Karkat into kissing distance. Screw bitching at each other, they can do that online. "Hi," he says as Karkat stumbles into his open arms.

"Hi yourself, fuckass," Karkat says, taking Sollux's face in his hands. The kiss he initiates is excruciatingly gentle in a way that never fails to make nerves prickle the entire length of Sollux's spine. It's _unnatural_ , a troll being so tender, but perversity must be contagious, because by now Sollux is completely hooked on Karkat's touchy-feely kink. He teases his way into Karkat's mouth and Karkat meets him, licking the sensitive crease where the bifurcated halves of Sollux's tongue join.

Sollux hums, the instinctive low buzz that comes from closeness with a pity-mate, and runs his claws up the back of Karkat's neck as delicately as he can, barely touching. Karkat's thorax rumbles with his answering, lower hum, his thumbs brushing Sollux's cheekbones. His touch makes Sollux just _melt_ , pleasure dripping slow and sweet like honey through his entire body. Yeah. They're going to be okay. More than okay.

Karkat is the one who pulls back and says, "Okay, let's do this before I lose my nerve." His voice is husky and low, like he's already seriously turned on. He's _so_ kinked for this stuff.

"Yeah," Sollux says. "Let'th do it." He's pretty sure that this is _it_ , the flushed relationship of his life—he only ever doubts it at the very bottom of a downswing anymore, and maybe when he's wearing Karkat's sign on his skin he'll have evidence that even his depressive miserable self can't ignore. It's worth a shot, anyway. He's ready. He's not going anywhere. And Karkat's a big stupid romantic, and romance is a language: sloppier than anything Sollux has ever programmed, but it still has its own grammar and its own important commands. This scar-trading ritual thing means, _believe that I'm sticking around_.

They separate enough to peel their shirts off, and Sollux takes a few seconds to just be pleasantly distracted by Karkat's solid, muscular shoulders—he'll never have a highblood's height, but he's done his best to make a bruiser of himself anyway. He's ruining the effect a little bit right now by making that nervous barkbeast expression, but whatever.

"Okay," Karkat says, as they settle down facing each other on the floor. He looks so nervous, Sollux wants to kiss him again. "Okay." He opens his sylladex and takes out a ritual carving kit, one of the totally fucking cheesy things with a heart on the lid and a matched pair of specially angled blades. He's such a total romantic idiot. "Here," he says, pushing the kit toward Sollux. "Do me first."

Sollux reaches for the kit but doesn't pick up a blade. "You sure?" he asks. "You're the one who'th nervouth. Do you really want to be full of endorphinth before you thtart?"

"I need you to go first," Karkat says. He's quiet in that way that he only gets when something is too important to yell about. "You wanted to know what's going on with me. Here's your chance. Do it."

Sometimes Sollux still doesn't understand what Karkat's damage is. "You pathetic athhole," he says gently. "Okay."

His sign is two sets of two lines: top and bottom curves, and the vertical pillars to connect them. He's already thought about the correct order of the strokes. He picks up the first blade out of the kit, rests his right hand against Karkat's left side, and leans in to trace the first line—the bottom curve, arcing upward from the lower edge of Karkat's pectoral muscle. Matesprit scars are worn over the vascular pump, probably symbolic of how your blood moves for your flushed mate.

Karkat hisses at the first touch of the blade, going tense and still. Sollux tries to make the stroke quick and clean. Then he pulls back to judge placement for the top curve, and it's _his_ turn to go completely still. Blood is starting to well up in the first cut already and for a second he thinks he must be hallucinating. He trails his fingers through it carefully and lifts them to the light, staring.

"I'm sorry," Karkat whispers. "I should have told you. I. I couldn't do it. I'm a coward. And an asshole."

Sollux rubs his fingers together slowly, staring at the smear of Karkat's blood on his fingertips. Karkat's bright red nowhere-on-the-hemospectrum blood. Somehow Karkat got out of the brooding caverns as a grub with blood like this. Somehow Karkat kept this a secret for eight and a half sweeps. He doesn't know what to say.

"So," Karkat goes on, a rough miserable rasp in his voice, "now you know. And you're not, you're not stuck with my sign. You can. You can tell me to get lost, and. Find someone who isn't a fucking mutant."

"Thtop," Sollux says. He has blood on one hand and a blade in the other; he presses ghostly energy fingertips to Karkat's mouth instead. "Thtop talking, you pathetic beautiful dithathter. Let me think."

They wouldn't have gotten this far if Karkat weren't hoping for it to work out, would they? If he really thought the only possible answer was for Sollux to give up on him— _as if_ that would happen, as if Karkat has all the stubbornness in this relationship—he would have found some other way to break the news. Maybe romance is a little like programming after all. IF Sollux can't cope with this, THEN Karkat is out on his glutes and heartbroken; ELSE—

"You ridiculouth drama queen," Sollux says. That at least shakes Karkat up enough to make him stop flinching and open his eyes. "Did you mean it about wanting thith?"

"Of course I meant it," Karkat says miserably. "Fuck, I've spent _sweeps_ wishing I were normal so I could—"

"KK," Sollux interrupts him. Karkat shuts up. He must _really_ want to be overruled here; he never makes it that easy. "I brought thith up becauthe I thought you'd want to do it, becauthe you're a big romantic thap. _Do you want that_? Do you want my thign?"

The pleading look Karkat gives him is _weapons-grade_ pitiable. "You can't just pretend my blood doesn't matter," he says.

"It fucking matterth," Sollux agrees. "You're going to owe me like crathy for not telling me thooner, and for all the wayth I'm going to butht my gluteth figuring out how to help you get patht the droneth, but I am _not_ breaking up with you and I will kick your ath if you try to break up with me for my own good over your dark thecret." He considers that for a second. "I might have to kick your ath anyway for telling me about it like thith. But I'm not going anywhere. And I thtill want to wear your thign."

"You're an overconfident idiot," Karkat says, and it sounds like he's trying not to cry. "Never leave me."

Sollux nods. "That'th the idea," he says. He holds up the blade again, eyebrows raised. Karkat nods.

The blood from the first stroke has stopped running freely by now, turned a slightly duller shade as it begins to dry. When Sollux makes the second stroke, the top curve, he's struck all over again by the amazing vividness of the color—it's unnatural but it's _beautiful_ , too, intense and scarlet. He'd linger over it if he thought Karkat would let him get away with it, but he's pretty sure it's too soon for that.

Instead he draws the connecting lines, smooth and straight, connecting the two curves. "Flushed for you," he says. "Ath long—" he tries again, doing his best to wrestle his stupid lisp into submission—"as long as I live."

Karkat's breath hitches on what might be a sob, the poor dumb fuck. He reaches for the second blade and then hesitates. "You're sure?"

"Yeah," Sollux says. If his throat feels tight, that's just a stupid physical reflex. "Do it, KK."

It hurts more than he's expecting. Commitment blades have a thick, angled business end, designed to create shallow wounds that are still damaging enough to leave long-term scars. Sollux's nerves crackle with the discomfort as Karkat begins the first arc of his sign; controlling the impulse to lash out psionically takes effort. He chews on his lip, struggling to hold still—if he squirmed and made Karkat fuck up the lines he would be _so_ annoyed with himself. He can take a little hurting.

The whole left side of his chest feels like it's on fire by the time Karkat sits back. Sollux looks down at Karkat's handiwork, the sweeping curves of Karkat's sign in the dull yellow of Sollux's blood. It's stupid, but the first thing he thinks is that he's grateful Karkat has a symbol with some internal balance to it—it's still going to drive him crazy to have a mark on the left side and not on the right, but at least the mark itself has a mirrored element.

Karkat takes a deep breath. "Flushed for you," he says hoarsely, and Sollux snaps back to reality, remembering that there was a point to this and he's letting the pain and his _ii22ue2_ get in the way. "As long as I live."

Sollux twists, shifting up onto his knees. Karkat matches the motion for the last part of this whole ritual thing: they lean into each other, pressing hot aching wounds together. It hurts, physically, but somewhere deep in Sollux's core there's also a wrenching sense of relief and completeness and _comfort_.

"Blood to blood," Karkat starts, and Sollux picks up with him on the next phrase, "and heart to heart. Nothing short of death will separate us." Karkat turns his head then and Sollux meets him, and the kiss is just as perversely delicate as ever, even though Sollux would swear he can feel his blood moving in time with Karkat's vascular pump now. That's got to be a hallucination, but it's kind of a cool one.

When he pulls back from the kiss, Karkat's lashes are damp, and his expression is the most pitiable variety of _my expectations have been punched in the face_ that Sollux has ever seen. "I think I do need to kick your ath," Sollux says, because a) how did Karkat let it get to this point before telling him and b) how could Karkat think this would be a reason for Sollux to leave, "but not tonight."

Karkat blinks at the reprieve. "You can _try_ to kick my ass any time you're ready to be grossly humiliated," he says with a totally non-threatening little smile. "You have something else in mind for tonight?"

"Yeah," Sollux says. IF he couldn't cope, then that would be it, game over. ELSE—he smirks. He drops one hand to the waistband of Karkat's jeans and gets a good grip. "Tonight ith for pail practithe."


End file.
